Da Burgh (Reflections on a city rolling in the right direction)

Check out http://bike-pgh.org/

Consider a city where bicycles rarely roam, a desolate metropolis reluctant to change. I’m cautious to critique my hometown, yet after investigating the bicycle culture of Pittsburgh, I’m happy to report considerable improvements. The demographic of Allegheny County remains “old and in the way,” but I notice a youth movement seriously vested in the bicycle as a viable form of transportation. However, roads remain narrow, drivers intentionally intimidate two-wheelers, and the geography presents challenges.

So why should we care about Pittsburgh’s bicycle culture, does it really affect us here? My visit home opened my eyes to how good we (Boulderites) have it, and how our bicycle culture may help influence Pittsburgh, and vise versa.

Pittsburgh cruising creates a sense of tension. Jumping on the road and riding to the store demands commitment. You risk angry “yinzers” and people who simply don’t understand how to drive around bicycles. Fortunately, trails improve certain areas of town, but the majority of the city needs work.

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced Pittsburgh as a bicycle friendly city. I believe him, but the infrastructure begs to differ. Pittsburgh’s urban engineers never anticipated bicyclists. The roads often support only cars. The trails focus on recreation not transportation, and the tunnels… well let’s not even fathom riding through those death tubes.

Progress towards improvement appears persistent. I talked with several members of the BikePgh and felt a genuine desire for change (Keep up the Good work West Liberty Schwinn). Programs like Bicycle Fridays (an effort to eliminate car commuting one day a week), and painted bicycle lanes show promise. Few communities even consider bicycle lanes, but the trend grows each time I visit Pittsburgh.

I’m only beginning to digest my thoughts on Pittsburgh, yet I feel a strong need for the bicycle as primary source of transportation everywhere. We must take baby steps, things take time. I know I often preach a radical rapture, but I’m serious, the bicycles universally awesome!

The most encouraging part of my visit was my sister asking me to fix her a bicycle for the summer. She consciously chose to put down the keys and use her legs. My sister, and many others, offer hope for bicycling in Pittsburgh, I’m glad to see the Steel City evolving. The tides changing, we’re beginning to emerge from the dark ages of fossil fuels; perhaps the days of oily, dead pelicans appear behind us.

Stick it to 'em with...BIKE PRANKS!

Did your friend borrow your bike and chip the frame again? Unforgivable. Here's a couple of ways to get him back.

Take his bike. Take off the saddle. Pour four or five ball bearings down the seat tube. They'll be wondering what the rattling noise is for weeks, and it will probably drive them insane. Throwing a couple in the handlebars works just as well. Why not do both? (I know it's old, but it's a classic for a reason.)

Did they really, really mess up your paint job? Put a SAUSAGE in their seat tube. I'm not even kidding. I know it's disgusting. Just do it. In about a week or two, they won't be able to even get near their ride. (You can also try some fish...mmm!)

Pump up their tubes with water. Just use an old floor pump, and suck up a bunch of water then pump it right into their tubes. The weird weight will totally throw them off, and they might not notice for long enough for you to get a kick out of watching them wobble.

Subtle yet effective: every day, raise their seat post a tiny little bit. We're talking about a millimeter or two each day. After a while they'll probably think they're going crazy. Or getting shorter. And it'll be funny. (Not as funny as sausage, but still pretty effective.)

But let's keep in mind...these pranks are only funny because no one will be seriously injured, or injured at all, for that matter. Get 'em back, but keep it (mostly) safe.