Stand Up, Identify

In his new book, the NYC Bike Snob classifies cyclist into various categories and subcategories. I highly recommend the read, so I decided to get in the Charles Linnaeus mindset and hash out Boulders top 5 rider types. http://www.amazon.com/Bike-Snob-Systematically-Mercilessly-Realigning/dp/0811869989

The Townie rider operates as a pragmatist. He or she generally cruises a Frankenstein bicycle, with components scrapped together from junk yards, garage sales, and backyard beaters. Their bicycle squeaks, and requires new bearings and a bottom bracket overhaul. Most avoid maintenance like the plague, but re-patch tubes every week. They’re dedicated riders who sold their cars out of necessity, only to develop a love affair with a twenty year old bicycle. Don’t offer them suggestions, these people know what they want and refuse change like a staunch conservative in November.

The Skier Rider owns four dual suspension mountain bike and eleven pairs of 120mm powder skis. They’re only riding a bicycle because it isn’t ski season. They live for the downhill sensation, but avoid climbing by seeking shuttle runs. The Skiers’ bat sh*t crazy, love hitting kickers and rock gardens, yet complain all the way to ski season. Many refuse to exert extra energy, never riding to the trailhead. These riders love wearing clips; because it reminds them of their Tyrolia Peak 12 bindings. They know little about bicycle maintenance, but pretend to tune their derailleur (messing it up further.) The Skier Rider remains a fun companion, but don’t expect to see them in the fall or spring.

Vultures in Spandex, or Roadies, barely socialize and cling to delusion of winning the Tour… someday. In reality, they live as middle aged men escaping from their nagging wives. They generally work in tall buildings and dream of upper management positions. They ride in the earlier morning or late evening, and always on the weekends. Their derailleur runs steeper than Everest, and they swear by carbon everything. They enjoy spandex more than one should, and may be fans of the cod piece fashion accessory. Their outfits support an illusion of sponsorship, and give loved ones an easy birthday gift idea. These riders have focused attention spans and can ride for days. Walk away slowly if they begin discussing Dura-ace, and remember don’t make eye contact with a vulture.

The Hipster rides their fixed gear bicycle, while dressing the part. They drink more coffee than Juan Valdez and complain about everything. Their pants barely fit and their handle bars come just as tight. Most avoid long distances, due to fear of sweating, while others engage in skid tricks. Hipsters love Chicago and NYC but don’t necessarily know anything about the cities. The majority care about looks alone, possessing tremendous style. They love contrasting colors and frequent poetry readings in the city. Some wear messenger bags to carry their diary and vintage books. They all may migrate to South America in search of more coffee, so if you see a hipster, point them south.

The Addict rider rides. He or She lives to pedal and pedals to live. They’re on the earth because bicycles exist. They ride roadies, townies, hard tails, single speeds, and 8 and 8’s. They never bus or drive, crush snowy days, and always wear a wide smile. They consider their bicycles life partners. One will never hear an Addict hate on another bike; instead, they scrounge 50 dollars to buy and restore the rust-bucket. The Addict always maintains his or her fleet, working as a mechanic or another bicycle related gig. These characters carry tools, stopping to help you with your flat, while reminding us why bicyclist rock. The Addict becomes grumpy without their daily ride. Their temperament depends on miles traveled, so make sure you catch them on a century day.