Periodic Table of Cyclists

The physical world is comprised of various fundamental elements, organized by scientists for ease in understanding and conceptualizing into a periodic table. The cycling world may similarly be broken into its constituent and fundamental components. While this proves to be an ongoing study, the following represents a preliminary, and therefore largely cursory, effort at organizing these bicycle cultural elements into such a table...

Hr: The Hipster – most definitely rides fixed gear bicycles. While flashy color coordination, tight pants, ironic T-shirts, and large glasses may dazzle the eye, don't be fooled! – the bike behind the appearance is likely plagued by loose bearing surfaces and shoddy mechanics.

Pu: The Purist – like the Hipster, the cycling Purist may also ride a fixed gear, but the Purist will claim to have been riding in this manner for far longer than their Hipster counterparts. Also expect hardtail mountain bikes, rigid forks, and, seemingly paradoxically, 29er wheels.

Cr: The Cruiser – the Cruiser, regardless of actual location, is always at the beach. May often be found featuring recreational variations including costumes, lights, and electronic music playing devices.

Cm: The Commuter – covering a potentially wide range of bicycles, the Commuter is typically well-equipped with lights, fenders, racks, bags, sacks, rain gear, panniers, first aid kits, duct tape, old inner tubes, sleeping equipment, emergency food supplies, candles, and self-power-generating crank radios.

Re: The Recumbent – generally, a breed unto itself. The Recumbent refuses to conform with the uncomfortable and nonsensical norm of uprightness, and thus, tends to include flags, mirrors, and for the male Recumbent, long gray beards.

Rd: The Roadie – spandex, color coordination, all-around aerodynamics, the appearance of team membership, and hyper-concern regarding small measures of weight.

Fa: The Family – The Family stretches itself along bike lanes and paths in a veritable parade of jean shorts, dome helmets, tag-alongs, and trailers. Typically invokes smiles and happiness in viewers.

An: The Anarchist – appearing to share similarities with the Hipster, the Anarchist may ride either geared or fixed, but only a bicycle refurbished at the local DIY anti-establishmentarian co-op. Unlike the Hipster, however, the Anarchist's machine is most likely in fully working condition, allowing for the pedal-driven destruction of authority and the state.

Hs: The Hardcore Stoked – the Hardcore Stoked pedal ONLY downhill bikes bearing closer resemblance to motorcycles than bicycles. If they must ride away from sheer cliff faces or monster dirt jumps, expect them to be on the constant look-out for walls, stairwells, and cops.

Bs: The Department Store – typically noticed audibly before visually, the Department Store generally doesn't make it very far, and typically expends large amounts of energy to cover what little ground they do. Expect squeaks, plastic pie plates, bent derailleur hangers, and seized brakes.

Pt: The Pathlete – for a comprehensive review of the overly competitive cycling element known as the Pathlete, refer here.